The Fine Print
by You'll Never Take Our Griffisu
Summary: The Godhand should have read the fine print. They're really screwing up Griffith's moment, here. Guts/Griffith, utter crack.


**Notes: **This was written for a friend who requested "Guts/Griffith love/hate/whatever sex". I went with option C.

It's a running source of comedy among some of my friends that back before Guts found out that Griffith saw his soldiers as nothing but pawns, Griffith could say pretty much anything to him or do anything in front of him and Guts would be like "Yes, Griffith, you are totally awesome and right and perfect!" as long Griffith kept the "You're mine"s and "Do I need a reason to save you? :)"s coming. It's pretty angsty, actually; the poor kid never had anybody love him before, so of course he'd see Griffith as this bright shining magical person, even when Griffith was doing incredibly shitty things right before his angsty kid eyes. But yeah, the Guts characterization in this fic definitely draws on that conceit, so if you never thought Guts's positive reactions to Griffith's dastardly machinations were hilariously amoral, you'll probably find him OOC here. Whatever, it's total crack; if it were IC I'd have to assume Miura was doing something wrong.

* * *

The Fine Print

"GRIFFITH! I'LL SAVE YOU!" Guts bellowed, running towards his friend.

Griffith smiled sadly. He'd already thought _I sacrifice_; it was all over.

Guts kept running towards him. Nobody died.

_What's going on?_ Griffith thought urgently to the demons around him. _Why aren't my friends dead? I did sacrifice them, you know._

Guts ran closer. He was going to be able to touch Griffith soon, with those big hunky hands of his. Griffith started to hyperventilate.

_Hello? Godhand? I SACRIFICE! I _SACRIFICE.

"Oh, sorry," said Ubik. "A surprise clause just showed up in our contract. Apparently you can't agree to anything without saying it aloud. Something about human witnesses, idk."

_What? Listen, my ex-lover is going to hug me soon, and I'll lose my shit if that happens, I swear to fuck I'll lose my shit. You better kill off my friends and let me ascend! I don't have a fucking tongue, what the hell am I supposed to do?_

"Uh...we could...give you a tongue I guess."

"Yeah, why not? Hey, future one of us, have a tongue."

And so, Griffith got a tongue. But it was too late. Guts was already there. Shit, shit, shit.

"Guts, go away. I'm not speaking to you. You're why I'm crazy. If you come any closer I'll tentacle rape you in precisely five minutes, I mean it."

Guts looked at him sadly. "Griffith, I'm so sorry I left. I'm gonna get you out of here, okay? I'm gonna - hey! You talked! Griffith, I told you you'd heal up! You'll be able to wield a sword in no time!" And then Guts smiled a huge doofy smile. He was adorable when he smiled like that.

_Stay strong, Griffith. You don't want to feel that crushing angst ever again. This is your out. Ignore the big hunk of manliciousness and just say the words out loud. _"I...I s-s....I still have a tongue because the demon gods just gave me one, Guts. They know I'm going to join them any second. Haven't you figured it out yet? I'm fucking evil. I'll destroy everything you love. And_ please _get it through your muscular head: I will not be wielding any sword. Not in this piece of shit body."

"Griffith, don't talk about yourself like that!" Guts propped Griffith up against him and started dragging him along the path of skulls, as if he'd be able to find a way out of this dimension. "That is not a piece of shit body. That is a beautiful body. _You_ are beautiful, no torture wounds can ever change that."

"Guts, are you even listening to me? I'M EVIL. I WANT TO KILL ALL OF YOU. SO I CAN BECOME A GOD. AND NOT FEEL SAD. OVER YOU. YOU...JERK."

"You felt sad over me? Shit, Griffith, I'm sorry. I only left because I thought it wouldn't make a difference. I had no idea it mattered. I'll never do it again though, okay? So cheer up!"

"Are you seriously just listening to the things I say that you can respond to in a noble, lovable way and ignoring all the parts where I tell you I'm a BLOODTHIRSTY, WOULD-BE MASS MURDERER WHO CARES MORE ABOUT MY ABILITY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD THAN I DO ABOUT ANY OF MY FOLLOWERS? Except you. Which. Ugh. It's like you're _trying_ to make me even more obsessively in love with you than I already am. Fucking stop."

"But Griffith...I've always known you were a bloodthirsty, would-be mass murderer who cared more about your ability to take over the world than any of us, I just never gave a...wait, did you just say you care about me more than that? Did you just...did you really...did you...oh, Griffith!" and then Guts smiled even more broadly and happily, and Griffith felt such an intense burst of affection he almost pissed himself with fear. That was it, it was time to yell I SACRIFICE to the sky, but...

...But then the Skull Knight showed up and rescued everyone and rode them out of the dimension in pairs. Griffith and Guts were the first pair. They bickered the whole way. Well, Griffith bickered - he was fucking LIVID that Guts had just stolen his fastest chance for world domination with goofy smiles - but Guts just smiled bigger and bigger the more Griffith talked, as most of that bickering featured curses like "YOU IRRESISTIBLE FUCKING LOVE MACHINE" and "IF YOU DON'T STOP BEING MY MOST BELOVED DARLING LOVEYCAKES SOON, I'LL SLICE YOUR BALLS OFF" and "I'VE WANTED TO MARRY YOU SINCE I MET YOU GUTS AND THAT MAKES ME ANGRIER THAN ANYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN" and so on.

Eventually, though, Griffith healed, wielded a sword again, and wielded Guts's sword to celebrate, if you know what I mean and I think you do. These things have a way of working out.


End file.
